9 April - Together

I've been wearing Sarah's wedding band on my necklace since she died and it has been comforting to have something so significant be close to my heart and with me all the time. Now I've decided to move my own wedding band to be together with hers. It was a difficult thing to do after having this ring on my finger for so long, but at the same time I felt on some level that keeping it there now was like wishing that things could be as they were rather than accepting the present and being 100% there for Ben & Sam and others in my life today. As hard as it is sometimes, what now feels the most comforting and right is to steer away from that ungrantable wish but still hold my love and memory of Sarah in mind and heart. Memories of us together, just like the rings are now.

The other picture above is of our pink tulips just poking their way through the soil. What a special gift from our friends it was to plant these in our garden. Sarah and I enjoyed seeing them come up last year, and at the time I knew they might mean something different to me one day - and now they do. They remind me of many shared challenges but also shared joys - they remind me of her, and of us together. It feels good to remember, even though it hurts too. I'd much rather have both than neither...

The third pic is of Ben, Sam and me at the zoo today. Through vacations and outings like this, the three of us are learning to have fun together as a family again. Although Sarah is always on my mind, there are plenty of lighter moments and laughter with the boys now. Ben and Sam are doing well. We talk openly about mommy not being with us whenever it strikes the boys and I think that has helped them stay on a healthy emotional path.