22 Feb - Winter Campout

Indian guides winter campout survived. :) It was a very eventful weekend. The boys and I had a good time despite the lack of snow. There were activities like the rock climbing you see here and other stuff. They didn't sleep much, but we're all caught up now. Ben did karate before we left for the campout and afterwards we did swimming and dinner with friends back in Chicago - time was packed pretty tight!

21 Feb - two months. I did ok on the day - thought of Sarah a lot; even more than I do every day. Lots of moments/waves. It usually hits me more when I return home from somewhere and realize that I'm not returning to her. I finished reading "Catcher In The Rye" (for the first time) which Sarah said was her favorite book - she read it five times. Felt like I was connecting with her in reading it, but I wish we could talk about it, too.

15 Feb - Skiing and Valentine's Day

We went skiing on Sunday with Eric and Anna W. and everyone had a great time. We got to take advantage of the blizzard snow before it started melting - now most of it is already gone in Chicago! Took Sam a few runs to get the hang of skiing again but by the end of the day both boys were shooting down the mountain.

Valentine's Day went better than I thought. Weeks ago, I had decided it wasn't really a day for me anymore and that I wouldn't do anything for it - just make sure the kids had stuff for school. But then it just seemed like that was running away from it all and it didn't feel right. So I made a big card for Sarah/Mommy that the kids also drew stuff on and we hung it up in the living room. The sentiment was "we miss you and we love you" - the simple, unavoidable truth that I start and end each day with, especially V-day. I realized something the other day - that I was subconsciously feeling something that suddenly came in to focus. It was the feeling of waiting. Waiting for something to change, enduring something that you knew was for a finite time and relief would eventually come. I know that this isn't temporary, that I/we can't be with Sarah any more in this lifetime, but I guess deep down it takes longer to accept that. Some day I guess that sense of waiting/enduring will ease & it's probably a good sign that I can recognize it at all - but that doesn't make it any less right now. It's all too raw, too fresh right now. She's everywhere and nowhere...

8 Feb - Back From San Antonio

Ben, Sam and I are back from San Antonio where we got to see my parents and also my two uncles & aunts and my cousin Arnie & his daughter. We all had a good time on this quick trip. I'm glad we were able to go despite the blizzard that we had just a few days earlier! Chicago has some super cold temps over the next few days so we're staying indoors. We're looking forward to spending some time with friends this weekend and the Indian Guides campout will be coming up soon as well - so we're keeping pretty busy here.

3 Feb - Snow Days

Sore today after digging the driveway and walkways out of the snow! Quite a blizzard -- the snowfall finally lived up to the forecast. :) Ben and Sam had a great time playing in the snow most of yesterday and their school decided to make the following day a snow day off as well since the streets and walks were not yet fully cleared and it was very cold (high of 11F!).
The boys and I continue to do ok. They are adjusting fine to the changes in our life. Most of the time I'm ok too, but it still hits me in waves and tonight was a tough one for some reason - really missed Sarah and had to take a few "breaks."

27 Jan

Last weekend we kept pretty busy and the week has passed pretty quickly. Sam and Ben had some gift certificates that added up to quite a bit at Target and Toys r Us so I took them shopping on Saturday. Sam decided he wanted a camera and these are two pics he took on the first day of having it. One self portrait, and a shot of Ben next to him in the car. It struck me that you can really tell how Ben has Sarah's eyes in this pic - even if he doesn't look very excited about having his picture taken. :) I think Sam caught him off guard before he could even make a face.
We're each dealing with our loss in different ways, but we all continues to talk and be open about Sarah/mommy not being here with us. Sam brings it up about once a day at least, and Ben and I just were talking about how a book he's reading reminds him of how it feels to miss mommy. Me - well it's all around me and I still think about Sarah all the time. But I'm able to remember/love/miss her without being drowned by sadness. Still comes in waves.

21 Jan - One Month

One month since Sarah and I had to say goodbye. I think overall I've made a little progress on learning to live this new life. Making it through the funeral and burials, first church service with just the three of us, first trip, first bereavement group visit - all these have been tough but have also helped. They felt like necessary steps and milestones. The advice of a friend to "keep breathing" has helped, too. But it doesn't take much for a thought to pull me right back under and take my breath away - usually when I least expect it.
I've gotten into the habit of lighting a candle most evenings in this angel candle holder in the pic above. It helps remind me to reach out to Sarah with my thoughts and heart to where I believe she is instead of focusing on where she isn't. And to me it symbolizes her presence in some way. Ben was talking to me about missing mommy when I put him to bed. I told him that it was ok to let the sad feelings in. I also told him that we should try not to let the sad feelings take over, that we should be open to lighter moments and little joys when they come too. That's what keeps me going. I wake up every morning and have to face that I can't spend it with Sarah, but I also hope that the day will bring a few of those moments that let in a few rays of sunshine despite it all. One day at a time...

17 Jan - Burials

The boys and I just got back from our trip to New Orleans to bury Sarah's ashes in her family's plot in Ponchatoula, LA and also at the church memorial garden where her father's ashes are. Her uncle Bill and brother Thomas set everything up and all went smoothly. We even had some sunshine when we were at the cemetery, which I thought was nice.
But in the end it was much harder even than I had thought. I don't think I'll ever forget the moment when I held the urn with Sarah's ashes for the last time. I was struck with an overwhelming sense of loss and finality. I just stood there and didn't want to let them go... I can't quite explain why, but it was harder for me than going through the funeral. After taking some deep breaths, I did manage to place the urn in the hole and then Thomas and I refilled the hole together. We topped it with a calalily as you can see in the pics. The memorial garden ceremony was sad, but not quite as hard as the urn burial for some reason. Both of the burials went as well as I could have hoped - weather was good, surrounded by family and friends, in very appropriate places. I know I will feel good about returning to either of these sites to remember Sarah in years to come and I hope the boys will, too. Next time we are in New Orleans, we'll get to see the markers with Sarah's name that are being prepared for both places.

13 Jan - Crazy Thursday

Well, today was quite a whirlwind of activity. I rushed home after work to get back in time to take Sam to a clay-works class while Donna took Ben to karate. While the boys were at those, I finished the cardboard sleds that we made for the Indian Guides sled race and took them over to the sledding hill. Then I picked up Sam and got Ben from home to quickly get dressed for outside temps and ran over to the sled race. Both Ben and Sam had a great time riding their sleds and each of them got a trophy - Sam for distance (who knew a cardboard teepee would go like that?) and Ben for his spaceship design.
Tonight was typical for how the week's been going. I'm staying pretty busy but thoughts and memories about Sarah are my constant companions. I dream about her most nights, too. We're gearing up to head to New Orleans for the burial ceremonies. It's going to be a tough milestone for me to move past - descending to another level of finality. Seems like just when you catch your breath, boom: there's another level. Sigh. But it's all part of the path.

9 Jan

We've received a lot of sympathy cards over the past week and I wanted to thank everyone very much for reaching out with so many thoughtful words and sentiments. They have been a source of comfort and I'm keeping them all for our Sarah memory box.
Sarah's Aunt Meg had a picture of Sarah and me printed onto canvas and stretched over a wood frame. I really like it & now have it hanging in the living room. Sarah's got such a great smile in this one!
Well, we made it through the weekend fine by keeping very busy. There wasn't much spare time at all between the several outings and visits we did. Ben and Sam are fine and seem to be adjusting. I'm doing ok - pretty much the same as the last few days.

5 Jan - Back To Work

Well, we are keeping pretty busy. Last weekend we visited friends and had the boys make cardboard sleds in preparation for a race next week. Everyone had fun and I pitched in a fair amount as well. Had to drive home with Sam's sled taped to the roof of the van.
I started working again on Tuesday this week and I think that'll keep me occupied. As far as how we're doing, the kids seem to be adjusting fine with no major blow-ups. For me, I can make it through the day fine but I constantly think of Sarah and miss her very much. If I get teary-eyed or feel like crying then I just do it - usually I'm alone when that happens anyway. I know she's gone but I don't think the acceptance of that fact has gone very deep yet. Need more time for that. But, it has been a great comfort that I can talk to & hang out with friends/family and feel the support of so many around us. I've discovered that I can grieve and carry on with life at the same time - it isn't an either/or. I can miss Sarah and still appreciate spending time with Ben and Sam and others. It's a mixed up and tangled mess of emotions but I think that's ok. It gives me the freedom to grieve on my own terms.

1 Jan - Beautiful, Sad Funeral

Sarah's memorial service went about at nicely as I could have hoped. So many people helped pull it together from our church, and many people were able to attend despite the holiday schedule. We had around 220 people there - from church, the neighborhood, from school and also Rice and Navy friends from out-of-town. Thomas set up a great slide show of "Sarah pictures" at the reception and even brought up some King Cakes to pay tribute to Sarah's New Orleans roots. Overall, everything felt "right" even though it was sad and sometimes overwhelming.

Today my parents left and I had to face my first night alone in the house after the kids went to bed. It was tough but I kept busy by putting away our xmas ornaments and taking the tree down. That was hard in itself because Sarah helped decorate the tree when we set it up just 3 weeks ago - had to take a few breaks. Ben and Sam are doing ok. Ben told me tonight that it felt weird to him now that it is just the three of us. I've got the kids excited about some trips that we plan to take this year. But, first on the list is a trip to New Orleans in two weeks to lay Sarah's ashes to rest.

30 Dec - Donations In Honor Of Sarah

For those who feel moved to do so, donations in honor of Sarah can be sent to the Susan G. Komen 3-day Walk for the Cure site below. Nicole Smith and I will do the 60 mile 3-day walk as a team this year in Chicago - we're calling the team "Sixty For Sarah." This is exactly the type of breast cancer research funding that Sarah would want us to support, and I know many of our friends and family have joined us in doing so in past years. Thank you!

http://www.the3day.org/goto/sixtyforsarah

28 Dec - Book of Memories

The boys and I are holding up ok, but it feels very strange for me to be following the same routines that I did before last Tuesday. Taking Sam to guitar lessons, taking Ben to karate, going shopping. My mind says, "Yes, that's normal," but my heart screams, "No, this isn't right! Nothing is! She's gone and that makes everything different!" I know I just need to keep taking it day by day and giving it time - and staying focused on the boys will help, too. The little things that come unexpected and remind me of Sarah are the hardest. Yesterday it was her favorite slippers that she wore right up until the last day -- now laying in a spare room with no more feet to fill them. Today it was "going out to dinner" and the realization that I won't be asking Sarah "Thai or Mexican?" anymore. I can ask the boys, but they'll just answer "which is more likely to have grilled cheese sandwiches?" Sigh... precious time. I miss you, Sarah!

Sarah's Uncle Bill asked me to post this request for emails with "Sarah stories:"

Dear Friends of Sarah,
I am Sarah’s uncle, the younger brother of her mother Jane. I am trying to help Alan and the boys by putting together a book of memories from you that they can look at in future years. Most of my memories are of a young girl growing up here in New Orleans and would very much like to have your recollections as a student, young adult, mother & friend.
What I have in mind is maybe a little bit different from a funeral tribute – a real-world memory or anecdote about Sarah which will collectively paint a good portrait for Ben & Sam 5-20 years down the road. In fact, while I’m asking you now, you may want to draft something and put it aside for a few days and then look at it again later – I almost always have additional thoughts after a first draft. Any digital photos would be great.
Ideally send it as a Word attachment, but any format will do. Please put Sarah in the subject line of your e-mail so I will be sure to open it.

Please send whatever you think appropriate and thanks in advance,

Bill Settoon
bsettoon@bellsouth.net

25 Dec - Christmas Wishes

I wish I didn't have to label the presents only "from Daddy."

I wish I could smile and thank her for the gift she got me.

I wish she could have seen the excitement on the kids' faces this morning.

I wish she were here.

Ben and Sam got us up at 6:30am and were twitching with excitement to open their presents. For a while there was just wrapping paper flying towards me and then I saw Sam's mouth form a perfect "O" when he saw that ripstick scooter that Sarah got for him. She knew it would score high on the "wow factor" scale and I just wish she could have seen Sam's expression. The boys had fun and they helped me find some light times as I played with them, but overall it was a tough day and I'm glad it's over.

It was great to have my parents and Elizabeth to keep me company, which made it easier. We all pitched in to make a nice Christmas dinner and I even managed to cook a dish - one that was a favorite of Sarah's.

24 Dec - Funeral on 31 Dec, 11am

I'm still stunned by how fast Sarah declined and it's hard to accept that I now have to live in a world that doesn't have her in it. Hitting me in waves when little things remind me. Most of the time I'm ok and keeping busy with everyday stuff and xmas preps, and then suddenly I'll think of something and get that lump in my throat and the feeling wells up inside me. I know I have the strength bear this, but I think it's going to be a long and hard road - and I think it'll get worse before it gets better. Thank you for all the love, support, calls and blog comments - all are a comfort to me and will help me find a way to focus on Ben and Sam as we heal as a family.

Thomas and I are collecting pics of Sarah for the memorial service - here's a preview of two of mine. Missing that smile terribly right now. :(

The memorial service will be at 11am on 31 Dec at St. Simon's Episcopal Church followed by a lunch reception in the parish hall. Sarah's favorite color was blue - the boys and I will be wearing blue and I invite anyone attending to do the same if possible/practical.

21 Dec - A Tender Goodbye

Sarah was relieved from her suffering tonight at 9:45. She slipped away peacefully surrounded by love. Thomas was with her until just before the end and Elizabeth, my parents and I were with her as she passed. I'm so grateful that I was able to be at her side, whispering into her ear and holding her as she let go. She's our angel now...

Sarah wanted us to remember her as she was before the diagnosis, so I've posted a picture of her and I in Nov 2005 and a picture of her the Christmas before, which felt right given the season. I think she'll find a way to be with us for Christmas this year in whatever way she can. I can still feel her presence. That's all for now - not sure it's really sunk in yet.

20 Dec

Thank you so much for the amazing outpouring of support through comments on the blog. It has been a source of comfort to feel like we are far from alone in this. Sarah's pain subsided last night and I was able to stop giving her morphine. She's stopped drinking fluids and has spent today in a deep slumber. She seems comfortable and at peace now and Thomas, Elizabeth and/or I have been at her bedside continuously. I'm very thankful that she doesn't need to be medicated for pain anymore - she has opened her eyes a few times briefly and was even able to lay her hand on Ben's when he reached out and said good-night to her. The hospice nurses say it looks like she'll slip away very soon - in the next few days.

19 Dec

Couldn't come up with a title to this post... it was too hard to put into words. As if Sarah was just holding on until she could enter hospice and let go, so took a turn for the worse today. She had a sharp continuous pain in her abdomen this morning so we had to start giving her morphine. Throughout the day we had to up the dose a few times with the doc's approval just to try to get ahead of the pain and she's been sleeping all day. She occasionally opens her eyes for a moment and can just barely respond to questions. She's stopped eating and has just had a little bit to drink today. Nurses say it looks like advanced liver shutdown and that she may drift in to a coma soon. Because of that and because we're having to give her enough pain meds that she can't stay awake, Ben, Sam and I each spent some time talking to her and saying goodbye in case we don't get another chance. It was very hard for me to do... this all seems to all be moving much too fast, but my only comfort is that it might make it easier for Sarah. I'm at her bedside now and hoping she wakes up a bit a few more times.

18 Dec - Gifts and Decision

Sigh. Today was another very tough and emotional day for us. Sarah told me today that she's decided she wants to stop all remaining treatments (Herceptin, Zometa and Coumadin) and enter at-home hospice. Although this will make the end come faster, she's already getting weaker and more uncomfortable by the day. It's hard to imagine that she could even make the trip over to the treatment center now. It was very hard for me to see us give this final bit of ground, but as we held hands and looked into each other's eyes, I could tell that my tough girl Sarah was ready. She's fought so hard and endured so much over the years and now I have to be tough too and find the strength to let her go.

This Christmas, as we all worry about what gifts to buy and wrap, I'm finding that my heart just isn't in it. All I can think about is the great gift that Sarah has given me and our boys - her undying (!) love and devotion to our family. Her gift of life to Ben and Sam and her dedication to being the best mom she could be for them, even in the recent difficult years. All other gifts just seem to pale in comparison.

We got a more comfortable hospital bed and other things for her tonight from the hospice center. We also managed to somehow make it through recording a video for the boys without breaking down and crying too much, and I helped her finish a letter each to Ben and Sam for safe-keeping. While the kids are excited about the gifts under the tree (as they should be!), these are the gifts I'll be most thankful for this Christmas.

18 Dec - Quick Update

Sarah started the day off pretty good on Friday but I think we wore her out more than we thought with the flow of visitors - by the end of the day she felt so weak that she was barely able to walk without help. She wasn't able to eat much but her reflux didn't seem as bad. Thomas went back home today and plans to return right after Christmas. Elizabeth arrived and will be with us until my parents come next week.

The boys and I are holding up ok. I'm just focused on helping Sarah and making her comfortable while finding time to just sit with her. She and I are touched by the origami cranes that many in the community are making for us! Here's a picture of them at our front door.