24 Apr - Back From New Orleans

We had a great visit to New Orleans. The first pic is of us trying to fly kites with the Settoons off of the levee at Lake Ponchartrain. In the next one, Ben has discovered his Easter basket! Much candy was eaten... We also had some delicious boiled crawfish and in the pic you can see Thomas sucking the head for flavor. This was a special treat - Thomas got them from the same place that catered our wedding rehearsal dinner so many years ago (and I still remember how good those tasted back then). We got this picture of an alligator on a swap tour that we did with Elizabeth. Very interesting seeing a swamp in its natural state with animals, too. We saw several alligators, plus snakes and herons. And finally, we got to visit Sarah's graves which was a special time for us as well. Here's a pic of her marker at Ponchatoula. It was especially nice for me to be able to stand for a bit at these two sites. The stone marker looked good. Simple yet elegant in a classic style - just like Sarah would have wanted. It was definitely emotional for me to visit the sites, but it also felt good - like I had a strong connection to her there in the "places."

21 April - 4 Months

Marking four months since we lost Sarah. I still think of her all the time even though it's not as raw as it was at first. Missing her smile and laugh - I like to watch family videos to see and hear her. I can picture holding her hand in those last days with the snow falling outside the window as if it were yesterday. I also remember more carefree times with much laughter and love. That love endured throughout, and still does. We miss you, Sarah.

19 Apr - She

This piece of art was created by Jennifer S in our neighborhood, inspired by Sarah and her/our journey. I was very surprised and grateful to receive it as a gift after Lesley & Todd D bought it at the F.A.B 5k fundraiser! It's very special & touching and I have it prominently placed in our living room now. Here are the words on it in case they are hard to read:

SHE

Why do some not enjoy Spring, The sky fights to push out the damp and cold. Wild wind pushes the warm scent across the plain so that summer is ushered in like a Mardi Gras parade.

She lives a classic life.

Reading pages within small passages of time.

She shines through her children, always there.

Tulips.

And I desperately love her, I love everything about her. I love her.

Paper cranes.

Snowflakes.

18 Apr - Weekend Activities

Well, we've been pretty active over the past two weekends! One picture is of the Blackhawks hockey game that we went to last weekend - the boys had a great time! This weekend Sam started soccer and got right back into it. The boys also built a huge Lego Harry Potter set (a birthday gift for Sam) which has some amazing details inside each room. One pic shows Sam turning into a Skype junkie! :) He's really taking to the computer for that and also for looking stuff up on (approved) sites.

9 April - Together

I've been wearing Sarah's wedding band on my necklace since she died and it has been comforting to have something so significant be close to my heart and with me all the time. Now I've decided to move my own wedding band to be together with hers. It was a difficult thing to do after having this ring on my finger for so long, but at the same time I felt on some level that keeping it there now was like wishing that things could be as they were rather than accepting the present and being 100% there for Ben & Sam and others in my life today. As hard as it is sometimes, what now feels the most comforting and right is to steer away from that ungrantable wish but still hold my love and memory of Sarah in mind and heart. Memories of us together, just like the rings are now.

The other picture above is of our pink tulips just poking their way through the soil. What a special gift from our friends it was to plant these in our garden. Sarah and I enjoyed seeing them come up last year, and at the time I knew they might mean something different to me one day - and now they do. They remind me of many shared challenges but also shared joys - they remind me of her, and of us together. It feels good to remember, even though it hurts too. I'd much rather have both than neither...

The third pic is of Ben, Sam and me at the zoo today. Through vacations and outings like this, the three of us are learning to have fun together as a family again. Although Sarah is always on my mind, there are plenty of lighter moments and laughter with the boys now. Ben and Sam are doing well. We talk openly about mommy not being with us whenever it strikes the boys and I think that has helped them stay on a healthy emotional path.

Hawaii - Ocean Activities

Two pics of us on a snorkeling boat trip, then one at an east-side beach with much better waves. There's a pic of Ben and Sam at our hotel's beach (Hapuna Beach) where they could swim, and the one from a snorkeling beach called Kahalu'u Beach south of Kona. The boys took a little bit to warm up to snorkeling, but they did seem to like it and did it several times on our trip. Was hard for them to get used to the feeling of not being able to breath through your nose and also of depending on the snorkel for your breathing. Since the water was very clear, neither of the boys were afraid of stepping on a crab this time like they've been at other beaches in the past.

Hawaii - Volcano Adventures

In these pics you see two shots of Kilauea from our helicopter ride, one of a massive lava flow (cooled off) and one of the active smoking lava craters. Ben's hanging on binoculars at the main Kilauea caldera which also often has a lava lake, although it had receded while we were there. Another pic shows Sam and Ben standing in a hardened lava pit and checking out the cool rock formations, and in the last one Sam is looking at a steam vent -- there were holes in the ground that just had steam rising out of them! Ben and Sam were fascinated with the whole thing and brought back quite a few lava rocks. I'm surprised we had room for them in our baggage. At least they are pretty light since there's a lot of air in lava rock.

Hawaii - Exploring the Island

Catching up on posting! Here's the first set from our Hawaii trip. Sam's on our balcony (hotel: wow!) and again at the open air breakfast buffet overlooking terraced gardens and the ocean. The one of us together is in the open air lobby which was really cool, too. The weather was perfect - mid 70s to 80s. I also posted a picture of Sarah from a previous vacation, because she was always on my mind during this trip. Our first full day in Hawaii marked three months since we lost her, and I was very aware of who was missing at the breakfast table each morning. Even though I felt Sarah's absence constantly, I think Ben, Sam and I managed to have a lot of good adventures together as a new family of three, which is what I was hoping. I gave them a little more say in what we did than they've had in past vacations, so that kept them focused on the fun. I believe Sarah was with us in a different way, and keeping her on our minds and in our hearts during these days made me feel close to her in spirit.

13 Mar - Sam's Birthday Party

We had Sam's birthday party today at the Orbitz Skate Center together with his friend and classmate Anna. Everyone had fun - lots of skating, pizza and cake!

These pics also show Ben proudly putting on his new light-yellow karate belt for the first time. He's very excited about his advancement.

6 Mar - Derby and Belt Test

We think Ben's belt test went well, although we won't know for sure if he passed until this coming week. Pics show him doing the memorized moves called "Kata" and also the sparring demonstration.

Sam's car was a rough copy of a blue toy car that he likes. It won the first heat but then lost a few so we finished in the middle of the pack, which disappointed him. Going to have to work on setting expectations! :)

4 Mar - Sam's Birthday

Sam turned seven today. He was so excited! We did present opening and cake in the morning before school. I think it's the first year where he actually read the cards. :) He's really growing up. After school Sam wanted to go to the movie "Rango" instead of picking a birthday restaurant so we did that (we all liked the movie). The boys are doing well and we are keeping pretty busy, which helps. This weekend I'm doing the pinewood car derby with Sam and Ben is doing his karate belt test. Next weekend is Sam's birthday party for his friends and he's looking forward to that, too. "Moments" continue for me, but overall I'm doing ok. Tonight I was watching a music show on TV and Mariah Carey came on singing One Sweet Day. The line "I know you're shining down on me from heaven" got me going. I don't even like Mariah that much, but music just brings out the emotions for me.

28 Feb - Update

This past week and weekend we were busy with various smaller things but no big outings. We spent time with friends and went shopping. I got Ben to pose for a picture with me since it's hard to catch him smiling on camera! We went to our second family grief group meeting last week and that went well. In the coming week we have Sam's birthday, a pine-wood car derby and Ben's karate test to move up from white belt. Lots going on but Sarah is never far from my mind.

22 Feb - Winter Campout

Indian guides winter campout survived. :) It was a very eventful weekend. The boys and I had a good time despite the lack of snow. There were activities like the rock climbing you see here and other stuff. They didn't sleep much, but we're all caught up now. Ben did karate before we left for the campout and afterwards we did swimming and dinner with friends back in Chicago - time was packed pretty tight!

21 Feb - two months. I did ok on the day - thought of Sarah a lot; even more than I do every day. Lots of moments/waves. It usually hits me more when I return home from somewhere and realize that I'm not returning to her. I finished reading "Catcher In The Rye" (for the first time) which Sarah said was her favorite book - she read it five times. Felt like I was connecting with her in reading it, but I wish we could talk about it, too.

15 Feb - Skiing and Valentine's Day

We went skiing on Sunday with Eric and Anna W. and everyone had a great time. We got to take advantage of the blizzard snow before it started melting - now most of it is already gone in Chicago! Took Sam a few runs to get the hang of skiing again but by the end of the day both boys were shooting down the mountain.

Valentine's Day went better than I thought. Weeks ago, I had decided it wasn't really a day for me anymore and that I wouldn't do anything for it - just make sure the kids had stuff for school. But then it just seemed like that was running away from it all and it didn't feel right. So I made a big card for Sarah/Mommy that the kids also drew stuff on and we hung it up in the living room. The sentiment was "we miss you and we love you" - the simple, unavoidable truth that I start and end each day with, especially V-day. I realized something the other day - that I was subconsciously feeling something that suddenly came in to focus. It was the feeling of waiting. Waiting for something to change, enduring something that you knew was for a finite time and relief would eventually come. I know that this isn't temporary, that I/we can't be with Sarah any more in this lifetime, but I guess deep down it takes longer to accept that. Some day I guess that sense of waiting/enduring will ease & it's probably a good sign that I can recognize it at all - but that doesn't make it any less right now. It's all too raw, too fresh right now. She's everywhere and nowhere...

8 Feb - Back From San Antonio

Ben, Sam and I are back from San Antonio where we got to see my parents and also my two uncles & aunts and my cousin Arnie & his daughter. We all had a good time on this quick trip. I'm glad we were able to go despite the blizzard that we had just a few days earlier! Chicago has some super cold temps over the next few days so we're staying indoors. We're looking forward to spending some time with friends this weekend and the Indian Guides campout will be coming up soon as well - so we're keeping pretty busy here.