30 May - Rest In Peace, Oma

I just heard that my grandmother passed away this Friday. We were very close and she was a big part of my childhood - and actually we stayed close for my adult life as well, talking often over the phone even though she lived in Germany. Her death did not come as a surprise since she was 100 years old and her health was rapidly declining. I was hoping to see her on our trip to Germany in just a few weeks... but life has taught me that there are no guarantees, and you can either accept that or go crazy denying it. Sigh. Unfortunately, that is a litany that I've already had to keep reminding myself of as I've had to face losing Sarah.
As I say a silent prayer to Alice, my very dear and beloved grandmother, I recall so many shared and treasured laughs and smiles. Moments all the more dear now that she's no longer with us. I'm thankful that she doesn't have to suffer any more, but I miss her very much all the same.
Oma, I will love you always. Rest in peace until we meet again.

29 May - Camping and Mountain Biking

Another action-packed two weeks - last weekend we spend time with friends locally and this weekend we headed North to Kettle Moraine State Forest in Wisconsin for a camping trip with the Wennerbergs and Teuschers. We got to go mountain biking on some beautiful and very cool trails there and the kids had a blast going on a shorter loop through the woods, too! Don't be fooled by Ben's long face - he loved it but doesn't like having his picture taken... :P
You can see Ben and Sam poking at the camp-fire (which is apparently irresistible) and also a larger view of the campsite at breakfast when we made omlettes boiled in baggies (it's much better than it sounds!). The last pic is Ben and I flying our Kiteboarding trainer kite. That's a 2 meter kite that helps you learn to control power kites which later helps you learn to kiteboard over water with much larger ones. I've decided to try the sport and Ben wants to do it as well if he can get the hang of controlling the trainer.

18 May - Beach Trip

We had a great trip to the beach in Texas (Padre Island) and got to visit with my parents and my cousin Frank from Germany and his girlfriend Anke. Also got to see my Aunt Mine and Uncle Chale, and my high school friend Chris. Sam found a little sand crab and we had nice walks at sunrise (which I love) and we also had fun playing in the waves. Our new au pair, Lovisa, also arrived last week and got a crash-course in "Lopez family" since she came with us on the trip. Things are going well as she settles in and is starting to take care of the boys. We continue to have a lot going on and are keeping very busy. May was packed and June will be no different!

My training for the Susan G. Komen 3-day walk (the3day.org) this summer is proceeding well. I'm making good use of my new treadmill and am walking/running over 25 miles a week.

Tulips

Sigh... seeing Spring finally take hold with mixed feelings. Our tulips have opened up now. I see many around me excited about being able to get outdoors and do things, and I do get swept up in that from time to time. But for me it also sharpens the contrast against last Spring which had Sarah in it. Ben, Sam and I are doing ok. I find my share of light moments and laughs with family and friends, but a day doesn't go by that I don't think of Sarah. My memories and thoughts of Sarah are my connection to her, and I'm comforted by that connection as I face the reality that life is going on whether I want it to or not. It's something I can hold on to.

6 May - Anniversary

Sarah looks so radiant in this picture from our wedding. Today is our 16th anniversary. My heart aches today - for her, and for what might have been but will not be. I remember so clearly our first days together, and our last. Sarah and I talked about not having any regrets, and I still feel the same. I'd do it all over again if I had the choice. But today I can't help wishing that we could have grown old together, surrounded by our grandchildren. I'm thankful for our boys, and for our life together even though it was cut short. I miss you, Sarah. Sending you all my love, especially today.

24 Apr - Back From New Orleans

We had a great visit to New Orleans. The first pic is of us trying to fly kites with the Settoons off of the levee at Lake Ponchartrain. In the next one, Ben has discovered his Easter basket! Much candy was eaten... We also had some delicious boiled crawfish and in the pic you can see Thomas sucking the head for flavor. This was a special treat - Thomas got them from the same place that catered our wedding rehearsal dinner so many years ago (and I still remember how good those tasted back then). We got this picture of an alligator on a swap tour that we did with Elizabeth. Very interesting seeing a swamp in its natural state with animals, too. We saw several alligators, plus snakes and herons. And finally, we got to visit Sarah's graves which was a special time for us as well. Here's a pic of her marker at Ponchatoula. It was especially nice for me to be able to stand for a bit at these two sites. The stone marker looked good. Simple yet elegant in a classic style - just like Sarah would have wanted. It was definitely emotional for me to visit the sites, but it also felt good - like I had a strong connection to her there in the "places."

21 April - 4 Months

Marking four months since we lost Sarah. I still think of her all the time even though it's not as raw as it was at first. Missing her smile and laugh - I like to watch family videos to see and hear her. I can picture holding her hand in those last days with the snow falling outside the window as if it were yesterday. I also remember more carefree times with much laughter and love. That love endured throughout, and still does. We miss you, Sarah.

19 Apr - She

This piece of art was created by Jennifer S in our neighborhood, inspired by Sarah and her/our journey. I was very surprised and grateful to receive it as a gift after Lesley & Todd D bought it at the F.A.B 5k fundraiser! It's very special & touching and I have it prominently placed in our living room now. Here are the words on it in case they are hard to read:

SHE

Why do some not enjoy Spring, The sky fights to push out the damp and cold. Wild wind pushes the warm scent across the plain so that summer is ushered in like a Mardi Gras parade.

She lives a classic life.

Reading pages within small passages of time.

She shines through her children, always there.

Tulips.

And I desperately love her, I love everything about her. I love her.

Paper cranes.

Snowflakes.

18 Apr - Weekend Activities

Well, we've been pretty active over the past two weekends! One picture is of the Blackhawks hockey game that we went to last weekend - the boys had a great time! This weekend Sam started soccer and got right back into it. The boys also built a huge Lego Harry Potter set (a birthday gift for Sam) which has some amazing details inside each room. One pic shows Sam turning into a Skype junkie! :) He's really taking to the computer for that and also for looking stuff up on (approved) sites.

9 April - Together

I've been wearing Sarah's wedding band on my necklace since she died and it has been comforting to have something so significant be close to my heart and with me all the time. Now I've decided to move my own wedding band to be together with hers. It was a difficult thing to do after having this ring on my finger for so long, but at the same time I felt on some level that keeping it there now was like wishing that things could be as they were rather than accepting the present and being 100% there for Ben & Sam and others in my life today. As hard as it is sometimes, what now feels the most comforting and right is to steer away from that ungrantable wish but still hold my love and memory of Sarah in mind and heart. Memories of us together, just like the rings are now.

The other picture above is of our pink tulips just poking their way through the soil. What a special gift from our friends it was to plant these in our garden. Sarah and I enjoyed seeing them come up last year, and at the time I knew they might mean something different to me one day - and now they do. They remind me of many shared challenges but also shared joys - they remind me of her, and of us together. It feels good to remember, even though it hurts too. I'd much rather have both than neither...

The third pic is of Ben, Sam and me at the zoo today. Through vacations and outings like this, the three of us are learning to have fun together as a family again. Although Sarah is always on my mind, there are plenty of lighter moments and laughter with the boys now. Ben and Sam are doing well. We talk openly about mommy not being with us whenever it strikes the boys and I think that has helped them stay on a healthy emotional path.

Hawaii - Ocean Activities

Two pics of us on a snorkeling boat trip, then one at an east-side beach with much better waves. There's a pic of Ben and Sam at our hotel's beach (Hapuna Beach) where they could swim, and the one from a snorkeling beach called Kahalu'u Beach south of Kona. The boys took a little bit to warm up to snorkeling, but they did seem to like it and did it several times on our trip. Was hard for them to get used to the feeling of not being able to breath through your nose and also of depending on the snorkel for your breathing. Since the water was very clear, neither of the boys were afraid of stepping on a crab this time like they've been at other beaches in the past.

Hawaii - Volcano Adventures

In these pics you see two shots of Kilauea from our helicopter ride, one of a massive lava flow (cooled off) and one of the active smoking lava craters. Ben's hanging on binoculars at the main Kilauea caldera which also often has a lava lake, although it had receded while we were there. Another pic shows Sam and Ben standing in a hardened lava pit and checking out the cool rock formations, and in the last one Sam is looking at a steam vent -- there were holes in the ground that just had steam rising out of them! Ben and Sam were fascinated with the whole thing and brought back quite a few lava rocks. I'm surprised we had room for them in our baggage. At least they are pretty light since there's a lot of air in lava rock.

Hawaii - Exploring the Island

Catching up on posting! Here's the first set from our Hawaii trip. Sam's on our balcony (hotel: wow!) and again at the open air breakfast buffet overlooking terraced gardens and the ocean. The one of us together is in the open air lobby which was really cool, too. The weather was perfect - mid 70s to 80s. I also posted a picture of Sarah from a previous vacation, because she was always on my mind during this trip. Our first full day in Hawaii marked three months since we lost her, and I was very aware of who was missing at the breakfast table each morning. Even though I felt Sarah's absence constantly, I think Ben, Sam and I managed to have a lot of good adventures together as a new family of three, which is what I was hoping. I gave them a little more say in what we did than they've had in past vacations, so that kept them focused on the fun. I believe Sarah was with us in a different way, and keeping her on our minds and in our hearts during these days made me feel close to her in spirit.

13 Mar - Sam's Birthday Party

We had Sam's birthday party today at the Orbitz Skate Center together with his friend and classmate Anna. Everyone had fun - lots of skating, pizza and cake!

These pics also show Ben proudly putting on his new light-yellow karate belt for the first time. He's very excited about his advancement.

6 Mar - Derby and Belt Test

We think Ben's belt test went well, although we won't know for sure if he passed until this coming week. Pics show him doing the memorized moves called "Kata" and also the sparring demonstration.

Sam's car was a rough copy of a blue toy car that he likes. It won the first heat but then lost a few so we finished in the middle of the pack, which disappointed him. Going to have to work on setting expectations! :)