22 Feb - Winter Campout

Indian guides winter campout survived. :) It was a very eventful weekend. The boys and I had a good time despite the lack of snow. There were activities like the rock climbing you see here and other stuff. They didn't sleep much, but we're all caught up now. Ben did karate before we left for the campout and afterwards we did swimming and dinner with friends back in Chicago - time was packed pretty tight!

21 Feb - two months. I did ok on the day - thought of Sarah a lot; even more than I do every day. Lots of moments/waves. It usually hits me more when I return home from somewhere and realize that I'm not returning to her. I finished reading "Catcher In The Rye" (for the first time) which Sarah said was her favorite book - she read it five times. Felt like I was connecting with her in reading it, but I wish we could talk about it, too.

15 Feb - Skiing and Valentine's Day

We went skiing on Sunday with Eric and Anna W. and everyone had a great time. We got to take advantage of the blizzard snow before it started melting - now most of it is already gone in Chicago! Took Sam a few runs to get the hang of skiing again but by the end of the day both boys were shooting down the mountain.

Valentine's Day went better than I thought. Weeks ago, I had decided it wasn't really a day for me anymore and that I wouldn't do anything for it - just make sure the kids had stuff for school. But then it just seemed like that was running away from it all and it didn't feel right. So I made a big card for Sarah/Mommy that the kids also drew stuff on and we hung it up in the living room. The sentiment was "we miss you and we love you" - the simple, unavoidable truth that I start and end each day with, especially V-day. I realized something the other day - that I was subconsciously feeling something that suddenly came in to focus. It was the feeling of waiting. Waiting for something to change, enduring something that you knew was for a finite time and relief would eventually come. I know that this isn't temporary, that I/we can't be with Sarah any more in this lifetime, but I guess deep down it takes longer to accept that. Some day I guess that sense of waiting/enduring will ease & it's probably a good sign that I can recognize it at all - but that doesn't make it any less right now. It's all too raw, too fresh right now. She's everywhere and nowhere...

8 Feb - Back From San Antonio

Ben, Sam and I are back from San Antonio where we got to see my parents and also my two uncles & aunts and my cousin Arnie & his daughter. We all had a good time on this quick trip. I'm glad we were able to go despite the blizzard that we had just a few days earlier! Chicago has some super cold temps over the next few days so we're staying indoors. We're looking forward to spending some time with friends this weekend and the Indian Guides campout will be coming up soon as well - so we're keeping pretty busy here.

3 Feb - Snow Days

Sore today after digging the driveway and walkways out of the snow! Quite a blizzard -- the snowfall finally lived up to the forecast. :) Ben and Sam had a great time playing in the snow most of yesterday and their school decided to make the following day a snow day off as well since the streets and walks were not yet fully cleared and it was very cold (high of 11F!).
The boys and I continue to do ok. They are adjusting fine to the changes in our life. Most of the time I'm ok too, but it still hits me in waves and tonight was a tough one for some reason - really missed Sarah and had to take a few "breaks."