27 Jan

Last weekend we kept pretty busy and the week has passed pretty quickly. Sam and Ben had some gift certificates that added up to quite a bit at Target and Toys r Us so I took them shopping on Saturday. Sam decided he wanted a camera and these are two pics he took on the first day of having it. One self portrait, and a shot of Ben next to him in the car. It struck me that you can really tell how Ben has Sarah's eyes in this pic - even if he doesn't look very excited about having his picture taken. :) I think Sam caught him off guard before he could even make a face.
We're each dealing with our loss in different ways, but we all continues to talk and be open about Sarah/mommy not being here with us. Sam brings it up about once a day at least, and Ben and I just were talking about how a book he's reading reminds him of how it feels to miss mommy. Me - well it's all around me and I still think about Sarah all the time. But I'm able to remember/love/miss her without being drowned by sadness. Still comes in waves.

21 Jan - One Month

One month since Sarah and I had to say goodbye. I think overall I've made a little progress on learning to live this new life. Making it through the funeral and burials, first church service with just the three of us, first trip, first bereavement group visit - all these have been tough but have also helped. They felt like necessary steps and milestones. The advice of a friend to "keep breathing" has helped, too. But it doesn't take much for a thought to pull me right back under and take my breath away - usually when I least expect it.
I've gotten into the habit of lighting a candle most evenings in this angel candle holder in the pic above. It helps remind me to reach out to Sarah with my thoughts and heart to where I believe she is instead of focusing on where she isn't. And to me it symbolizes her presence in some way. Ben was talking to me about missing mommy when I put him to bed. I told him that it was ok to let the sad feelings in. I also told him that we should try not to let the sad feelings take over, that we should be open to lighter moments and little joys when they come too. That's what keeps me going. I wake up every morning and have to face that I can't spend it with Sarah, but I also hope that the day will bring a few of those moments that let in a few rays of sunshine despite it all. One day at a time...

17 Jan - Burials

The boys and I just got back from our trip to New Orleans to bury Sarah's ashes in her family's plot in Ponchatoula, LA and also at the church memorial garden where her father's ashes are. Her uncle Bill and brother Thomas set everything up and all went smoothly. We even had some sunshine when we were at the cemetery, which I thought was nice.
But in the end it was much harder even than I had thought. I don't think I'll ever forget the moment when I held the urn with Sarah's ashes for the last time. I was struck with an overwhelming sense of loss and finality. I just stood there and didn't want to let them go... I can't quite explain why, but it was harder for me than going through the funeral. After taking some deep breaths, I did manage to place the urn in the hole and then Thomas and I refilled the hole together. We topped it with a calalily as you can see in the pics. The memorial garden ceremony was sad, but not quite as hard as the urn burial for some reason. Both of the burials went as well as I could have hoped - weather was good, surrounded by family and friends, in very appropriate places. I know I will feel good about returning to either of these sites to remember Sarah in years to come and I hope the boys will, too. Next time we are in New Orleans, we'll get to see the markers with Sarah's name that are being prepared for both places.

13 Jan - Crazy Thursday

Well, today was quite a whirlwind of activity. I rushed home after work to get back in time to take Sam to a clay-works class while Donna took Ben to karate. While the boys were at those, I finished the cardboard sleds that we made for the Indian Guides sled race and took them over to the sledding hill. Then I picked up Sam and got Ben from home to quickly get dressed for outside temps and ran over to the sled race. Both Ben and Sam had a great time riding their sleds and each of them got a trophy - Sam for distance (who knew a cardboard teepee would go like that?) and Ben for his spaceship design.
Tonight was typical for how the week's been going. I'm staying pretty busy but thoughts and memories about Sarah are my constant companions. I dream about her most nights, too. We're gearing up to head to New Orleans for the burial ceremonies. It's going to be a tough milestone for me to move past - descending to another level of finality. Seems like just when you catch your breath, boom: there's another level. Sigh. But it's all part of the path.

9 Jan

We've received a lot of sympathy cards over the past week and I wanted to thank everyone very much for reaching out with so many thoughtful words and sentiments. They have been a source of comfort and I'm keeping them all for our Sarah memory box.
Sarah's Aunt Meg had a picture of Sarah and me printed onto canvas and stretched over a wood frame. I really like it & now have it hanging in the living room. Sarah's got such a great smile in this one!
Well, we made it through the weekend fine by keeping very busy. There wasn't much spare time at all between the several outings and visits we did. Ben and Sam are fine and seem to be adjusting. I'm doing ok - pretty much the same as the last few days.

5 Jan - Back To Work

Well, we are keeping pretty busy. Last weekend we visited friends and had the boys make cardboard sleds in preparation for a race next week. Everyone had fun and I pitched in a fair amount as well. Had to drive home with Sam's sled taped to the roof of the van.
I started working again on Tuesday this week and I think that'll keep me occupied. As far as how we're doing, the kids seem to be adjusting fine with no major blow-ups. For me, I can make it through the day fine but I constantly think of Sarah and miss her very much. If I get teary-eyed or feel like crying then I just do it - usually I'm alone when that happens anyway. I know she's gone but I don't think the acceptance of that fact has gone very deep yet. Need more time for that. But, it has been a great comfort that I can talk to & hang out with friends/family and feel the support of so many around us. I've discovered that I can grieve and carry on with life at the same time - it isn't an either/or. I can miss Sarah and still appreciate spending time with Ben and Sam and others. It's a mixed up and tangled mess of emotions but I think that's ok. It gives me the freedom to grieve on my own terms.

1 Jan - Beautiful, Sad Funeral

Sarah's memorial service went about at nicely as I could have hoped. So many people helped pull it together from our church, and many people were able to attend despite the holiday schedule. We had around 220 people there - from church, the neighborhood, from school and also Rice and Navy friends from out-of-town. Thomas set up a great slide show of "Sarah pictures" at the reception and even brought up some King Cakes to pay tribute to Sarah's New Orleans roots. Overall, everything felt "right" even though it was sad and sometimes overwhelming.

Today my parents left and I had to face my first night alone in the house after the kids went to bed. It was tough but I kept busy by putting away our xmas ornaments and taking the tree down. That was hard in itself because Sarah helped decorate the tree when we set it up just 3 weeks ago - had to take a few breaks. Ben and Sam are doing ok. Ben told me tonight that it felt weird to him now that it is just the three of us. I've got the kids excited about some trips that we plan to take this year. But, first on the list is a trip to New Orleans in two weeks to lay Sarah's ashes to rest.