21 Jan - One Month

One month since Sarah and I had to say goodbye. I think overall I've made a little progress on learning to live this new life. Making it through the funeral and burials, first church service with just the three of us, first trip, first bereavement group visit - all these have been tough but have also helped. They felt like necessary steps and milestones. The advice of a friend to "keep breathing" has helped, too. But it doesn't take much for a thought to pull me right back under and take my breath away - usually when I least expect it.
I've gotten into the habit of lighting a candle most evenings in this angel candle holder in the pic above. It helps remind me to reach out to Sarah with my thoughts and heart to where I believe she is instead of focusing on where she isn't. And to me it symbolizes her presence in some way. Ben was talking to me about missing mommy when I put him to bed. I told him that it was ok to let the sad feelings in. I also told him that we should try not to let the sad feelings take over, that we should be open to lighter moments and little joys when they come too. That's what keeps me going. I wake up every morning and have to face that I can't spend it with Sarah, but I also hope that the day will bring a few of those moments that let in a few rays of sunshine despite it all. One day at a time...