15 Dec - A Different Hope

Today was a tough and very emotional day. After we arrived at the Cancer Center and got Sarah settled, the doctor came in to tell us that he did not think we should move forward with the drain procedure. After finally being able to review the CT scan of her liver in detail, and after consulting a few other doctors, he said that the procedure would not help lower Sarah's bilirubin and would instead cause considerable discomfort because he'd have to go in through the rib cage vs. under it as he'd expected. It seems the tumors in Sarah's liver have caused too much damage and drainage of bile from healthy liver cells was not ultimately the problem anyway.

For all the years of Sarah's cancer, our life has been centered around hope - hope for a cure, for the next chemo to work better, for another procedure to improve her situation. There was always a set of options and possibilities. Now, all of a sudden, we're out of next things. With nothing around the corner to pin our hopes on and no treatment possible anymore, we have to accept that the course is set and Sarah's life will end soon.

Now Sarah and I are focused on a different hope - that we can make her as comfortable as possible, and that we can open our hearts and stay close as a family, sharing as much love and compassion for each other as we can so that it takes at least a little bit of sting out of the sadness that we all feel. That's easier said than done and it's hard for me just writing it right now, but we will do our best. So that we can face this together, we brought the boys fully in the loop today and they are starting to digest it all. I asked Sarah today whether I could do anything special for her. She said, "Just be with me." - and that's exactly what I intend to do. For all who are praying for us, please ask for strength, comfort and peace.