Saturday, December 18, 2010

18 Dec - Gifts and Decision

Sigh. Today was another very tough and emotional day for us. Sarah told me today that she's decided she wants to stop all remaining treatments (Herceptin, Zometa and Coumadin) and enter at-home hospice. Although this will make the end come faster, she's already getting weaker and more uncomfortable by the day. It's hard to imagine that she could even make the trip over to the treatment center now. It was very hard for me to see us give this final bit of ground, but as we held hands and looked into each other's eyes, I could tell that my tough girl Sarah was ready. She's fought so hard and endured so much over the years and now I have to be tough too and find the strength to let her go.
This Christmas, as we all worry about what gifts to buy and wrap, I'm finding that my heart just isn't in it. All I can think about is the great gift that Sarah has given me and our boys - her undying (!) love and devotion to our family. Her gift of life to Ben and Sam and her dedication to being the best mom she could be for them, even in the recent difficult years. All other gifts just seem to pale in comparison.
We got a more comfortable hospital bed and other things for her tonight from the hospice center. We also managed to somehow make it through recording a video for the boys without breaking down and crying too much, and I helped her finish a letter each to Ben and Sam for safe-keeping. While the kids are excited about the gifts under the tree (as they should be!), these are the gifts I'll be most thankful for this Christmas.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sarah and Alan, I continue to pray for strength comfort and peace for all of you. Although this is the hardest time for both of you I continue to be amazed at your strength and love for one another. All thoughts and prayers are headed your way. We wish you all peace more than anything. With much love from all of us.
Sheila and all the Dempsey Boys

Anonymous said...

Miss Shelia said it all so well.
Love to you all,
Jen & Dan

Anonymous said...

I am praying for God's peace and love to surround you during this challenging and precious time!Sending an abundance of love and compassion to you all.
Love,
Aunt Marcie

Wendy said...

I know few things for sure in this LIFE...but these I do.
1. the unfairness of it
2. the beauty of it
3. the gift of it
4. the quickness of it
5. the respect for it
6. the sorrow while in it
7. the love and blessings we experience while living it.

I have had the true experience of all of these things in my friendship with you and Sarah and the boys. We've hit the high notes and the low notes together. Sarah, you've given me the gift of an unconditional friendship..no judgement...no hurt...just constant. It's to your credit-that I regained my faith in the possibility of a true friend and sister. It's to both of your credits that I've been blessed to see firsthand-the power of oneness among two. Marriage can be an everlasting bond and you and Sarah have achieved it. Thank you for letting me in and loving my "girly" so much. My sorrow and grief is beyond what I could have expected from Sarah making this brave decision. But my support for her in it(as promised)is unwavering. I am in debt to God for placing me in her path and allowing us the chance to walk a while together. I love you so much, Sarah. Thank you, my girl...for everything.

jtdenkmire said...

You have the best possible gifts and your hearts are all in the exact right place.

Eone Moore Beck said...

Wendy said what all of us wish we were articulate enough to say. Love, love, love.

Mamame said...

This is just so sad to read. My heart is breaking and I can't imagine how it must be to face the end of a wife and mother - and how hard it must be for Sarah to make this choice towards her end. ((HUGS)) and my prayers are ever with you.

Jen said...

I wish I had better words to say. All our thoughts and prayers are with you every day.

Kelly Daily said...

Sarah and Alan, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. My heart is breaking for you all. May God cover you with Peace.

Kelly Daily

Anonymous said...

Lifting your family up to God, praying for strength and faith, knowing for sure that your Sweet Sarah will be blessed with God's healing power, in heaven forever ... you are in my prayers.

my5guys said...

strength is an amazing thing, and your family has so much of it. I am proud to have been in your lives for the last 10 yrs, even if not in person. Sarah, I cant thank you enough for your wisdom through my own fight, as well as your kindness and knowledge that you gave. I am amazed by you all and thank you for sharing your lives with all of us..... Christy

Anonymous said...

none of us gets to control when we enter nor leave this world, only what we do with the time we are in it. Sarah is showing us all how to fully live between those two points. Godspeed sarah, may love and peace surround you all. With a tearful heart, your nov00 mommy friend, ami